Losing a loved one can be one of the most difficult events in your life especially if you were truly close. Understanding grief and learning how to cope can help you heal and move forward with your life as you honour the person you miss.
Grief is what you feel when you lose someone or something dear to you. How long you grieve depends on the closeness of the relationship whether their death was sudden or expected.
When you grieve you often have intense feelings of disbelief, shock, despair, anger, sadness and guilt that can be difficult to process.
All of these emotions are a normal part of the healing process.
Experiencing them will allow you to move on with your life.
The grieving process is normally experienced in stages (maybe not in the exact order or all of them distinct feelings) but nonetheless you experience some semblance of these emotions as you process the loss. I thought I went through the grieving process over 10 years ago after losing my mother but little did I know that I would go through it again as I painted this particular collection.
As you look through my collection you can see how I struggled with some of the grieving emotions again. I had many ups and downs on this creative journey throughout the four months.
I had moments of anger, depression, sadness, relief, acceptance and finally hope of moving forward.
Turbulent Beginning
I had to revisit some of the emotions that I thought I already dealt with and let go of. Turns out that it is more difficult than you think to jump into those conflicting emotions again. It was easier to work on the healing and relief pieces because that was where I was in my grief journey. The first two paintings I finished in the collection were Remembering the Good Times and Relief it Over. These two pieces truly represented how I was feeling now so it poured out of me with little effort. After these pieces, I knew I was on the right track with my portfolio collection. If I wanted to connect with my audience and tell my story, I had to dig deep and reveal pieces of myself that were hidden and almost forgotten.
Detail shots of two paintings within the A Path Without a Mother Collection
It was not easy remembering the full journey. Looking back and sitting with those emotions again, it still brings tears to my eyes as I remember working through them, learning and growing from the lessons learned and sharing of my experiences, which were not all good. From there, I started the No goodbyes, Fearless and Blindsided by Moments pieces that took me on a journey of discovery as I painted the experiences of others. Imagining if I could not say goodbye to the ones I loved or being fearless after the death of a loved one, was a foreign thought but one I embraced and lived in for a few weeks. The Blindsided by Moments piece came to me through seeing a fellow bridesmaid struggle after losing a father a few months earlier and it sparked a memory of me sitting in my car at the side of the road uncontrollably crying after a tsunami of grief hit me out of nowhere. Those moments demolish your fake walls you try to construct around you to protect yourself from the grief. I had almost forgotten what it feels like to experience them until I saw her tears streaming down her face - the ache laid bare for all to see.
Detail shots of three paintings within the A Path Without a Mother Collection
Messy Middle
I started and restarted the production week several times, as I wasn't sure what I wanted to say or depict in those paintings. I started a transformational collection with animals and flowers (which was scrapped), then I started paper abstract pieces that just didn't come together (only four made it into the collection) and lastly I started the six square healing pieces that allowed me to explore a new technique without boundaries or a preconceived idea or direction for the pieces. It was truly freeing and healing in the freedom of marks and colours used. It was messy and confusing but so worth the struggle.
Product shots of Chaos of Loss & Healing Warrior
Messy Middle
This stage was filled with many painting sessions of reworking paintings, changing colour schemes and starting again as I was confused with the messy emotions floating around - I started the angry, regretful, isolated and not prepared pieces that explored darker and messier emotions. This stage was the hardest, as I had to open a door that was locked. I had to let those destructive emotions seep into my life again and they take on a life of their own. I had mood swings; I was irritable and withdrew from life and friends. They truly are destructive emotions - I could not believe how much they affected me and lived in my body. I was glad to move onto the next stage, which was the healing one.
Detail shots of three paintings within the A Path Without a Mother Collection
Healing End
From here I started at peace, overwhelming comfort and respite from the sadness paintings that explored the softer side of grief when the loss has been accepted and healing has occurred. This is a joyful place to be when the darker emotions have been dealt with and the light can come through. This journey of grief through creative expression has been healing and has allowed me to move forward knowing that we are in a better place having dealt with these emotions.
Through it all, I deepened my understanding of my emotions and ultimately my personal grief journey. We never stop grieving, we just learn to carry the load better. This creative journey has opened my eyes to understand the concept that if we share our journey, being vulnerable will lead to unbelievable growth and connection with others.
